Embarrassment

Yesterday one of the results of my fatigue was exposed. For the length of our parenting, I almost daily inspected our children's rooms to make sure they were not harboring unique science experiments or nuclear devices--and that you could walk into the room without feeling you were in a Boot Camp obstacle course. Though I do not have perfectionist standards about bedroom tidiness, I did want the rooms pick-upped and the beds made. I think this is especially helpful to those who homeschool and also to my children's future spouses. However, since fatigue is my almost constant companion these past 18 months, my inspections are less frequent, especially since getting our master-bed straightened has not been a high priority. So leads to my point of embarrassment yesterday. Four men from church were helping us move out of our basement because of some upcoming construction/repair work. They tackled one of our son's rooms and discovered many corners where items had been stuffed. These corners reminded me of Mary Poppin's carpet bag that kept producing things. Unfortunately, we did not have Mary Poppin's snapping capabilities. The men were good humored about the situation, but I was embarrassed. Since then, God has been reminding me very gently that He is not done with any of us, yet. Each of us are learning. My husband is very good at reminding me that though we try to be very proactive in our children's lives, there are many things others will teach them in the future. We do not need to do it all. Then I remembered some of our older children who applied our cleaning standards to their own homes--once they set up their own homes. I still chuckle when they correct one of their siblings a piece of clothing they left out. Mostly, I am reminded that God does not ignore the garbage in my life. He knows where I tuck it and He will expose it at just the right time. This year one of the ways I committed myself to know God better and enjoy Him forever is to be more diligent of asking God to expose my sin to me and that I would be quick to confess it. Somehow, in comparison, the mess in my son's closet does not look quite so bad or embarrassing. (But he still has to clean it up!) Please Lord, forgive me for being embarrassed over something temporal when I have failed to be embarrassed over something that damages my relationship with you. Thanks for exposing my garbage and covering it with Your grace. Amen.

Together

One necessity for sanity during any transitional time is to go through it together. God designed us this way and called people to encourage one another in love and good deeds. He taught us the strength of a cord instead of a single thread and, most beautiful of all, He reminds us He will never leave nor forsake us. When I first began homeschooling in 1987, the emphasis was on learning together. Though some people selected to segregate their own children into grade levels, it was a more common practice to learn together whatever you could learn together. Part of the reason was the best resources, at that time, were not readily age-segregated. Education publishers were still wary of homeschooling so moms turned to their favorite low-cost alternatives--Libraries and used book sales! We located wonderful books that engaged our children. Family discussions (a.k.a. tests) happened because each member had something to contribute to a subject. The other reason had to do with TIME. If a mom was having to do most of the preparation, she could consolidate that preparation by having the children learn the same subject with minor adjustments to the level appropriate to the student. Sadly, people want homeschooling to look more and more like classroom schooling. This is understandable because it is what most of us are comfortable with because it is what we experienced and, honestly, a lot of homeschooling is now done without conviction so we pursue what is "normal". Now standardized, graded curriculum is widely available to homeschooling families. Not only that, the best sellers are those that teach the child directly or allow the child to work independently. This independent work ability has now reach a glorified status among homeschoolers and it is something that people express proudly. It is essential that our children can learn independently but don't our children innately learn about their interests independently without difficulty? Do we really need to teach them independence? God designed us to learn within a relationship: Father and son; Older woman to younger woman, Mother and child; Pastor-Teacher and the church. I am challenged if this principle applied only to spiritual things or am I willing to consider that it also applies to academic challenges? Wait a minute, one of the reasons we homeschool is to keep from separating the spiritual from the academic! Ah, together, even this we can do together in a relationship and be strengthened to love and good works, become a cord that cannot be broken, and remind one another that God never leaves nor forsakes us (even when facing that hard assignment!). Suggested Resource: Multi-Level Teaching is for YOU! (mini-book) by Joyce Herzog http://www.joyceherzog.info/Joyce_Herzog/Teacher_Helps.html Get her talk of the same title--inspirational and refreshing--below is one source of this talk: http://www.oceanetwork.org/tapes/speakers.cfm?id=31

Marshall Protocol

In trying to resolve my chronic illness, I am going to be using the Marshall Protocol. It will be a life changing experience, I am sure. It is presently in a study stage but its purpose is to get to the underlying issues of several illnesses and to get your own immune system to work against the foes (bacteria) within your body. That is to put the concept quite simply. To apply this protocol, I will need to eat certain foods and dress in certain ways for probably several years. God is giving me another opportunity for a transition in my life. If I can use this experience to consider this from a Kingdom perspective, it will help me. First, I must be grateful for what I can eat (and not begrudge what I cannot eat or all the labels I need to read in the store). Secondly, I can reflect on the truth that my most formidable foe is within me: just as this bacteria is causing havoc with my body, my sin causes havoc with my spirit--I must deal with the root cause. Thirdly, the changes I want to have made inside, need to be practiced on the outside for the change to take place. Fourth, I may look a bit odd to others who don't understand, but I have to not be concerned about appearances. I am also learning about tricky bacteria: They hide, change forms, and even trick my body to think they are normal parts of me! That is what I do with sin if I let it harbor: I hide it, I call it something more acceptable, or I say it is just the way I am. Bottom line--this sin is not a natural part of my life now that I am a believer and belong to the King. Therefore, I have to not treat it as such and be just as radical as the Marshall Protocol in getting rid of it. I also need to be prepared for the battle. In the Marshall Protocol, I have been warned that I will have times when I feel worse than I do presently. That is because when bacteria dies, it releases poisons which make us feel lousy. So, even though this battle is painful and comfortable, that pain and discomfort actually means it is working. Hmmm, as I yank out the sin in my heart, it will not be comfortable, Satan will protest, and my heart will want to give up, but through Christ, I can be steadfast and call upon His gracious love to battle for me. One final contrast/comparison: Though I am not assured of physical healing using the Marshall Protocol, I am assured of victory in Christ in dealing with sin. "If I confess my sin, He is faithful and just to forgive my sin and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness."Praise Him!

Thoughts on a Rough Morning

Blessed Lord, teach me to keep the perspective that this is only a short period of time whether You choose to heal me now or in heaven. Just as the way I awaken does not determine how I will feel the rest of the day; or how hard the morning is doesn't mean that is what the afternoon or tomorrow will hold--so my life now is a "blink" in the face of eternity.

Understanding Chronic Illness

The Lord, in His wisdom, brought a chronic illness into my life. In October 2008, I went from an energetic, healthy person, to someone often in pain, experiencing shortness of breath, fatigue, difficulty standing, unsure of what my health would be on any given day, and way too many doctor appointments and examinations. First off, I would like to say to all of my friends and acquaintances with a chronic illness, that I did not understand. I did not understand the battle you dealt with each moment not to be self-centered. I did not understand the brain fog that causes reading and retaining a major issue. I did not understand the weariness of the illness makes prayer and Bible reading a necessary lifeline but one that so easily slips from the fingers. I did not understand, especially when you seemed so healthy by appearances, the weight of one more request placed upon you. I would try to be sympathetic but I did not understand. I thank you for living before me the gracious life of depending on God and being transformed into His image. Your example encourages me to stay the course. One of the difficulties of my chronic illness is the lack of a definitive diagnosis. We can slap a label on it but test results are inconclusive and rarely help. This is something I need to rest in God's wisdom over my own. It is not an easy task especially in relating your difficulties to others. How do we really explain? With heart disease, cancer, and E. Coli infections we grasp the gravity of the situation and can identity at least a bit better than the multitude of chronic illnesses with their varying symptoms. Without listing my hundred symptoms, is there a way for you to understand why I cannot do what you ask (even though it seems a little thing)? We may appear healthy on the outside and yet the illness ravages our bodies and minds. Do not be fooled. This is true for all of us and to a more deadly degree: We look healthy on the outside but we are ravaged by sin within and there is only One Who can save us. It is a bit of a tightrope act, I am discovering, because though I need understanding about my illness, I do not want to be DEFINED BY MY ILLNESS. I long to converse about other things and especially how God may be most magnified by my and your present circumstances. I find myself less willing to discuss trivial topics. It is not worth the effort. But, I will also say that chronic illness heightens one's sensitivity to the irritants of life. They are more irritating! And they expose my sin even more. So, God has widened my understanding of chronic illness--the slow pressure that can change the surface of a rock. When my brain is not foggy, I consider those who have walked this path before me and I am encouraged by their pursuit of godliness. I am challenged to see people differently than I had before. My sin, especially selfishness, is more evident. The urgency of the gospel is increasing in my heart. The necessity of a strong, caring, and gentle church body is a must for the chronically ill person--friends and family who go beyond the "How are you?" and serve without being asked (because sometimes we do not know what to ask for) and who direct our conversation towards God and His faithfulness in transforming the rocks into His image.

When Jesus Speaks Plainly

Sunday's message was challenging. It spoke to the disciples' rebuttal, denial, and annoying comments made in the face of Jesus' proclamation that He would SUFFER, be REJECTED, and be KILLED (Mark 8:31). The text goes on to say that He stated these things PLAINLY. Okay, I would like Jesus to speak to me plainly, or so I thought. Hmmm. Then, I realize that I am a lot like Peter saying, "NO!" Peter was saying NO to God's plainly spoken plan. He was saying NO because Peter knew better than Jesus what should happen. Ouch! On one hand, Peter proclaims Jesus is Christ, the Son of God. On the other hand, Peter proclaims that Jesus has it all wrong. You know, scripture says that Peter rebuked Jesus. Peter did not just give his opinion or plead for a different way. Peter told Jesus that Jesus was wrong. Suppose Jesus told me plainly what the last two years would hold: Move to a new state, far away from family, different time zone, flooding pipes, hurricane winds, ice storm with no electricity, chronic and declining health condition, brain fog, death of three family members, traveling in blizzard conditions, different culture, different type of church situation, car accident . . . I am sure that I would have been screaming, "NO!" just as Peter did. God did not reveal these transitions in advance, but He has brought each into my life. I have to ask myself if I am rebuking God with words, "No!" Maybe I'm harboring these thoughts in the silent recesses of my heart? Am I puffed up in my own knowledge and wisdom? Or am I declaring in word, deed, and thought, "Thou art the Christ! Your plan is the best plan."

The Purpose of Transitions

". . . but be transformed by the renewing of your mind . . ." Romans 12:2b

God, in His infinite wisdom, uses the very transitions of this life to transform me. This is not an easy path for me. I, by nature, like the routines of life. I like schedules, organization, nice little boxes where everything has its own spot. I like to wake at the same time and begin our homeschooling day at the same time. I like to shop (well, I never truly like to shop) at the same store and when I find a particularly yummy latte, it is hard to order something else. But, it is my desire to be transformed because this is what my Lord desires. And transitions are often His tools. To understand this very fact is one of the ways that my mind is renewed. I need to see transitions through His love and not my unyielding heart. God has strung a particularly difficult set of transitions together for my transformation. Though I will be sharing about those and the paths along the way, I never want to lose sight that those transitions are His plans so that I can transformed into His likeness.