sometimes it is the little things

Sometimes it is the little things we need to let go of to create margins in our lives so that we can live effectively for the greater things.

As much as I like regular dinnerware and dislike paperware, there are times we have to use paperware to just ease the tension of the other life stresses. My husband calls this "copingware" and when you compare it to physical energy, regaining health, or enjoying the gifts (a.k.a. children) God has given you what you use for eating-ware is really a very little thing.

Last summer, I ceased our composting pile. Since we eat a LOT of produce and now have a huge yard, I thought composting made a lot of sense. However, it was one more step in the process of food preparation (already a lengthy process) and added many other steps in cleaning and care for the compost. So, we no longer compost. Of course, if we were avid gardeners, this might not be a little thing but compared to the care required, it was a little thing for us. This was harder than the paper-ware decision because it was all or nothing and I wanted to be supportive of our environment. But our environment includes those people around us and if this one step could ease the load when vocation demands are large, then it is better to consider the people than the decaying little things.

My more recent little thing I gave up was the use of coupons for regular grocery shopping. Now, these little things saved lots of money for the Wallis family when we lived in California. The grocery competition is not as aggressive in Kentucky so the coupons do not have the same impact on the budget but they still help. So, though coupons are little, they can be very beneficial. However, I found they were draining for me emotionally and added additional stress to my shopping adventures. In the long run, they are not worth it especially if my health nosedives because of the stress of clipping coupons. Now that sounds silly, but it is true!

Little things can end up making big impacts, one way or another. It has helped me to look for little things that can improve our lives or little things that are being destructive in the BIGGER things of life. For me, it was Coping-ware, Composting, and Couponing that required a second consideration--what might be something for you?

Transitions and Grandkids

Due to some transitions in the life of my daughter and her family, Grammie (that is me) gets to help for about 12 hours a week by watching our two grand-kids. It has been awhile since a two-year-old and a five-year-old have been under for care for extended periods of time. Though I am looking forward to it, I am also painfully aware that I am rather rusty. Time to apply all those things I have told many younger women in the past! I figure God is giving me a refresher course. He does do that, doesn't He? I am thinking I will be better prepared and more helpful when the next young mom talks with me about the challenges of finding a moment alone and the absolute joy of seeing children gain understanding. I will also help some with homeschooling so I can brush up on the now easier looking topics like counting and reading. Those topics seemed daunting but no longer after facing the mountains of Economics and Ancient Japanese History.

Stay tuned for updates on this new opportunity God is using to refine me.

Making Memories with a Mystery Date

My husband did something really special. He made a memory right here in Louisville. Though the event sadly had to come to an end, the memory will linger with a delicious aroma and a part of downtown will remain a special reminder of love.

As you know, if you have read many of our adventures for the past two-plus years, most of our memories in Kentucky have been of a significant, challenging sort: Major storms, remodeling disasters, plumbing outbursts, friends leaving, church hunting, health crises, injuries, car accident (singular!), family leaving to live on their own, family moving far away, parents dying, etc . . .Because of this, we have regularly escaped Louisville for some special times together. It helped to get away. However, it seemed the only time we enjoyed was away.

 Early January, Trevor requested both his and my birthday funds for a mystery celebration. Mystery dates are something we do every few months when one of us plans a date and the other knows nothing of what might happen on that date. It is an idea we implemented and highly recommend after reading "Romancing the Moon." http://romancingthemoon.com/ BUT requesting all of our birthday funds was most unusual.

Last Friday morning I was instructed to pack an overnight bag with nice but comfortable clothing and to pick up Trevor from work about 4pm. At that point, he took over the driving. He nicely decided to no longer keep me in suspense but drove directly to our destination. As we drove up, I could not believe it and thought he was joking. We were at the entrance of one of the most expensive hotels in Louisville located next to the Ohio River. Knowing how much our birthday fund was,  I inquired how he managed to squeeze blood from turnips, he said they offered a special called "Romance on the River". Beautiful interior woodwork and very gracious guest representatives greeted us. Our spacious room overlooked the river and we enjoyed a spectacular sunset and the city lights.  Trevor added a dozen variegated orange/yellow roses to the window display.  We dined on the 25th floor overlooking the river and more city lights again with delicious gourmet food and pleasant atmosphere. No plans, no hurry, just time to relax and enjoy each other. The next day we enjoyed an ample breakfast buffet, a brisk walk through the winter chill and a leisurely check out time of 1pm.

Though I could have stayed another night or two or three :) I am so grateful for the little delights my husband planned and the time we just enjoyed together. Two of the very precious gifts he gave me was to arrange for someone else to be on call at work that weekend AND he handed his iphone into my care so it would not distract him. He focused on me and knew what would please me and now Louisville has a special memory that I will cherish.

I am ready to make some more memories!

Explaining Myself

This excellent article describes the life of people with chronic illness. Though not identical to my symptoms, it gives you a good word picture of the struggle of my life and maybe other family or friends.

The one change I would make is that I know 

Who gave me the spoons for that day and 

I can trust that He knows the perfect number for me for this day. 

The Spoon Theory 

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com 

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know? 

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick. 

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try. 

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands. 

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted. 

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control. 

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become? 

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus. 

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon.

I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this. 

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me. 

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night. 

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all. 

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.” 

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”. 

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.” 

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”. 

© Christine Miserandino

In God's Economy

Faithful, God-honoring leadership showcases God's economy at our family's favorite organization Children's Hunger Fund http://www.chfus.org/. We miss their volunteer days where toddlers to the elderly sorted, labeled, and packed food and other items to needy situations all to help the local church reach people with the gospel of Christ. Children's Hunger Fund has an amazing, efficient usage of the donated money--something like 99.9% goes directly to the those they are serving.

While sorting and repackaging new furniture for an orphanage, I mused that God has a sense of humor. The prices were listed  on this donated furniture from a major department store. The furniture was overpriced for its quality. In fact, so many pieces had broken that we were using two or three sets of bunk beds to make a functional set. So, the overpricing of the furniture actually created a situation where the orphans who had NO furniture would receive some brand new furniture. In God's economy nothing is wasted.

Another incident of profiteering gone awry was the shipment of sandals confiscated at customs. The sandals were look-alikes of a major brand. A semi-truck brought the perfectly good sandals to Children's Hunger Fund to be marked (so they could not be resold) and sent to a country where bare feet are an invitation to parasites. In God's economy His purposes will be fulfilled.

This thought of "in God's economy nothing is wasted and His purposes will be fulfilled" have brought me great comfort when facing my wasting body, my inadequacies of homeschooling, the bumbling mistakes I make, our house repairs that demand attention, or the great costs of anything. God wastes none of it. His purposes will be fulfilled. I may not see it now and may have to wait til I am in heaven--but one day I will see that

"In the perfect economy of God,there is no waste . . .

that in eternity, God's glorious fulfillment, 

His end, will more than justify His strange and difficult means . . .

if given back to Him in love and trust, 

will be made to show forth the praise of the glory of His grace."

--Margaret Clarkson in Grace Grows Best in Winter