Healing Lyme by Stephen Buhner

I am following the protocol in Healing Lyme by Stephen Buhner. I do not really know if I have Lyme Disease but my symptoms are similar to Lyme's and I was bit by a tick about 6 weeks before the onset of those symptoms.

Healing Lyme

This is an herbal protocol of a mixture of different herbs. I was pleased with the understanding of bacteriology in the book, the studies that have been done with these herbs, the author does not sell the herbs (conflict of interest), and Mr Buhner presents the reasons behind his herbal selection.

I started on this about 4 months after I discontinued the Marshall Protocol. My physician-recommended nutritional plan was not enough. I knew I was not getting better. Thankfully I was not getting worse.

As typical, I have to add the herbs very gradually. It took me about 3 months to work up to one-third of the lowest minimal dosage on the herbs--and then I had to back-off because of increased lightheadedness. This is not atypical but it can be frustrating.

I miss a support system for this protocol. My doctor is encouraging me to do what I think I need to do and he even took a copy of the book. The web support system is kind of disjointed and the master herbalist who authored this book is no longer practicing.

One recent victory is that I was able to hike to a beautiful waterfall in New Hampshire. It is great to have little bright moments. Trevor and I both agree that I could not have accomplished that 4 months ago.

How is my health?

The answer to the question, "How is my health?" is a tricky one. I cannot figure out what triggers extreme fatigue or inner shakiness or brain fog or numbness, nor what really relieves them. I cannot anticipate when the episodes come let alone when they will be bad. If I have to I push through them. If I can, I try to rest through the worst times.

I also have bright moments! This is when my brain is less cloudy, body has energy, and my spirit is lifted. I also do not know what triggers these episodes, when they will come, or how long they will last. I try to record them and remember to give thanks for them.

When I was on the Marshall Protocol (MP) with a certain antibiotic, I would experience this about once a week and these bright moments would last up to four hours. Yahoo! Since going off the Marshall Protocol, these were the first to go and most of my days were just numb. It has been hard to see those bright moments leave but I doubt I will go back to the MP for all the other reasons I listed last November--and because I am enjoying being back outside.

I am now on an herbal protocol which I will share more about in another post.

But, if you ask how my health is, it is all very relative--and I am not sure what rating to use: the Old Normal or the New Normal? Besides, if you wait a few moments to ask, it may go from "doing okay" to  "really poorly" to " a bright moment."

Marshall Protocol: Stones of Remembrance

When I began the Marshall Protocol, I thought I would be celebrating the completion of each year but this first anniversary found me in a deep brain fog with very little energy. In fact, as it dawned on me, I had to carefully reconstruct why I am continuing on this lifestyle-changing protocol (without a specific ending point except when my body is healthy again).

So, I am setting these stones of remembrance before my eyes that I may contemplate where I was going before I started on the Marshall Protocol. My body was spiraling downwards and though I did not experience everything at one time, more of my systems were becoming involved and the symptoms indicated my body was facing increasing danger.

• Emergency room visit for irregular heart beat
• Ongoing chest pain, shortness of breath and pain in arm
• Complete cardiac workup with no indication of heart problems
• Inability to sleep; had to keep moving
• Inability to get out of bed in the morning
• Constant naps without feeling more energy
• Eyes showed defective portion at retina
• Going to bed earlier and earlier/getting up later and later
• Pain at joints and soles of feet
• Thyroid stopped functioning
• Depleted Adrenal Glands 
• Breast Lumps 
• Pancreas decreased function
• Urinary tract infections
• Unable to think clearly resulting in costly errors
• Numbness in extremities
• Exploding headaches
• Yeast infection
• Pelvic and cervical pain
• Developed early symptoms of uterine cancer (nothing there)
• Shakiness; chills; dizziness; lightheadedness
• Inability to sing due to shortness of breath
• Difficulty in talking loud enough to be heard
• Difficulty in carrying on a conversation due to limited air
• Brain Fog and lack of focus
• Increased painful sensitivity to noise and light
• Digestive issues that were painful
• Tics
• Doctors wanting to place me on anti-depressants
• Doctors saying I was blocking healing because my spiritual views were too narrow
• Friends (who were further down the road of traditional medical approaches) taking more medicines and becoming sicker.

After 18 months of the start of this symptom/medical journey a friend directed to the Marshall Protocol which takes a completely different approach to dealing with chronic illness than traditional or alternative medicines. I am grateful that the spiral has stopped. Though I still am sick, less of my body's systems are involved at any one time and never as severely. I am healing rather than just suppressing the symptoms. At times I even feel almost normal. Trevor has said that he feels he is getting his wife back.

I thank God for opening this door for us. It has not been easy and I really wanted to be further along in the program than I am but I have hope. Placing these stones of remembrance are part of reminding myself of the Red Sea (or maybe Egypt) that God has allowed me to leave by His grace and mercy. His strength is what is allowing me to walk through this wilderness of wearing dark glasses, restricting sunlight exposure, being cautious about food intake and encountering the onset of an immune response. When I look at these stones, I remember why I am on this journey. I do not want to return to Egypt.

Which "I" will win?

It was one of those times that I do not care to repeat: My husband experienced a very harsh reaction to an antibiotic which laid him out for 48 hours; Being overcharged at the doctor's office and facing the billing department soon; the dog was diagnosed with a double ligament tear in her knee requiring 3 or more months of rest; the internet went down just before I had to go to appointments and leave my son to do his internet based schoolwork; the carpet cleaners promised me they would arrive by 9am. I had to cancel that service when they still had not showed and I had to leave for an appointment; I had four errands I needed to complete on top of the additional, unexpected needs; My hope for the day was to spend the afternoon quietly completing some paperwork/cyberwork. That did not happen and will need attention another day.

Can you relate? In the midst of this day God reminded me of a simple statement that has helped me through those times. I play it in a cadence in my head to help sort out my feelings:

Is this _______(circumstance)_____________

an Inconvenience

an Interruption

an Irritation

or really IMPORTANT

I admit that I still struggle and certainly want to be " I " focused. When I had little ones around our home, this cadence was essential! Today has been filled with doubt, but if I truly evaluate the stuff of life, I realize that the really IMPORTANT needs to set my tempo/attitude--NOT the inconvenient, interruptions, or the irritations.

MP: The healing of the spirit

Today, I am cheating on the Marshall Protocol. I am sitting on my deck, in the shade, appropriately dressed within MP standards, wearing my Noir protective lenses. But I am outside while the sun is up and know that it would probably be better to be away from the natural light (even in the shade).

However, my spirit needed to see the green trees and grass, to feel the breeze, and hear the birds.

I have been outside in daylight hours, but that was for a specific need. Today, it is just to refresh my soul.

I would be foolish to think this was not just as important in the healing process. I am glad our doctor says, "Do not stop living." For me, today, this is just what I need to be doing--outside and enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of Creation. It is healing to my soul.

Marshall Protocol: An odd time to call the doctor

It is very strange to call the doctor to get advice when I am consistently feeling the best I have in almost two years. Very odd. Most of the time we call for medical help when we cannot take the symptoms anymore, but I am calling because I have had almost no negative reactions since starting the new antibiotic. I feel a little "off" about an hour before my Benicar dose (every 6 hrs) is due and a few minor symptoms but all very manageable. It is very strange to think you are doing something wrong when you feel good! I felt funny trying to explain this to the receptionist in my message to the doctor but she handled that information just fine. The doctor has been out of the office most of this week so no word back yet--but I guess that is okay because I am feeling fine. It is very odd to feel almost normal and it is even odder to think that is odd :) That is what happens when you take a different approach to defeating the enemy lurking in my body--there has to be something wrong if it is all quiet on the frontlines of battle. I had the same qualms when the children were very quiet in the house. They must be up to something. I've read much on what to do if my symptoms are going wild, but have not found literature on what to do if they are quiet. Very odd.

Who would have thought?

Those who have known me for anytime can tell you what my favorite time of day is. I love mornings. I love to see the darkness give way to the light. I love the soft shadows that play along the streets as they are chased away. The air is fresher after a night of slumber. Dew often hugs the grass. Sometimes a gentle breeze awakens the leaves. It is quiet. The nocturnal animals are settled into their beds. The morning animals are just beginning to stir. Few people are en route to their work or school. In my house, no one else is awake. I can think. Yet, as my circumstances have changed, and mornings are usually my most difficult time of the day (physically/emotionally), and I need to limit exposure to sunlight, I determined to stay up later at night. Who would have thought? After the sun sets, I walk with Trevor and sometimes I sit on our deck to enjoy the outside. This is not a quiet time: The cicadas and frogs are VERY loud. It seems no animals are sleeping. Cars are coming and going. More planes zip towards the airport. Machines buzz. Our sons prefer the night hours. Friends and family on the West Coast are more available to chat at night (their evening). Yet, God is using this time for some more prayer, little spurts of energy to do something creative (gasp!), and interacting more with our family and friends. Trevor likes that when he awakes I am still in the bedroom. Who would have thought that God would bring such a transition into my life? Maybe the morning treasures will be returned to me, but right now I think I will dig what I can out the night. Maybe I will discover jewels in this blanket of darkness for my God created both the night and the day. Maybe night will become a friend. "The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night. A prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:8

a poem for times of transformation

A friend sent me this devotional poem in a time of darkness. She did not know but my heavenly Father did and ministered to me through this sweet fragrance of His grace.

Beside my cottage door it grows, The loveliest, daintiest flower that blooms, A sweet brier rose. At dewy morn or twilight’s close, The rarest perfume from it flows, This strange wild rose. But when the raindrops on it beat, Ah, then, its odors grow more sweet, About my feet. Often with loving tenderness, Its soft green leaves I gently press, In sweet caress. A still more wondrous fragrance flows, The more my fingers close, And crush the rose. Dear Lord, oh let my life be so, Its perfume when stronger winds blow, The sweeter flow. And should it be Your blessed will, With crushing grief my soul to fill, Press harder still. And while its dying fragrance flows, I’ll whisper low, “He loves and knows His crushed brier rose.”

I always encourage my children to learn more information about subjects. This poem's author may have studied some attributes of this rose which I share with you. Now, an appropriate application and delicate reminder would be to plant a Sweet Briar Rose. Botanical: Rosa rubiginosa

The flowers of the Sweet Briar are a little smaller than those of the Dog Rose and generally of a deeper hue, though of a richer tint in some plants than in others. They are in bloom during June and July. The fruit is eggshaped, its broadest part being uppermost or farthest from the stem.

The specific name rubiginosa signifies, in Latin, 'rusty,' the plant having been thus named as both stems and leaves are often of a brownish-red tint. It delights in open copses, though is sometimes found also in old hedgerows and is more specially met with in chalk districts in the south of England.

Its fragrance of foliage is peculiarly its own and has led to it holding a cherished place in many old gardens. Under its older name of Eglantine its praises have been sung by poets.

It takes a shower to bring out the full sweetness of Sweet Briar, when its strong and refreshing fragrance will fill the air and be borne a long distance by the breeze. Though the leaves are so highly odorous, the flowers are almost entirely without scent.

Sweet Briar only obtains a place among perfumes in name, for like many other sweetscented plants, it does not repay the labour of collecting its odour, the fragrant part of the plant being destroyed more or less under treatment. An Essence under this name is, however, prepared, compounded of various floral essences so blended as to resemble the spicy fragrance of the growing plant. In olden days the Sweet Briar was used medicinally.

Information and image obtained from

http://botanical.com/botanical/mgmh/r/roses-18.html

poem from "Streams in the Desert", compiled by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Marshall Protocol: Communicating My Status

My husband worked with me to develop this rating system so we could communicate better how I was fairing for the day. I encourage others dealing with chronic illness to do likewise (or it may come in handy during other life-changing times like pregnancy, grieving, frustrating job situations). Of course, I may hit many stages throughout the day but I kind of average it and may note particularly bad or good times. Effective and brief communication is very important for me and my support. 10—GREAT! Sustained over time 9—Pretty Good; symptom free 8—Stable plus some creativity 7—Stable; productive, clear head, happy 6—Guarded; unsure what is going to happen 5—I’m getting by 4—Struggling; coping 3—Barely functioning 2—Hiding (not down but away from others/activities) 1—NOT doing ANYTHING Levels 1-4 call for specific coping strategies and intervention.

Marshall Protocol: Zombies Take Over

After my last posting, it is only appropriate that I am enjoying an breve in my favorite coffee shop in Louisville, Day’s Espresso. Maybe I should be exploring a new-to-me-shop, but I am not up to the unexpected today.

My sons have introduced Zombies to me and they have a Survival Guide to Zombies which is a good investment because Zombie is what I feel like with my chronic fatigue and brain fog. In fact, I have decided that the poor soul who created Zombies had some sort of chronic illness and that is how he could write so descriptively about Zombies (of course, a male developed this creature, right?).

Chronic illness definitely makes one feel that an alien has taken over her body! And an unpredictable alien it is. I used to be fairly confident that I would awake ready and motivated to tackle the day’s activities with an engaged heart and mind. Now, even if a spark of that comes, I never know how long it will last.

Lesson 1: Savor the moment of clarity and energy for you never know what tomorrow (or the next moment will bring). Thank You, Lord, for this moment when I can be productive and think to praise You!

Lesson 2: Do not try to make up for everything you have not done in that sparkly moment because you will probably pay for it and relapse to Zombie state sooner. Thank You, Lord, for answering my prayer for wisdom in what I should and should not do.

Lesson 3: Before the Zombie state returns, write up a Survival Guide for you and your family. This time, too, comes from the Father’s hand. Be at peace for He surrounds you with His love, comfort, and hope—even when you cannot see anything in front of you. Oh how my heart fights against this time unless I trust in HIM! Sometimes all I can say is, “I will TRUST YOU! I will TRUST YOU!”

Marshall Protocol: Sleep

Since the developments of my chronic illness, my sleep has been disrupted by many things and I rarely feel rested. Since increasing my dosage of minocycoline (the antibiotic) to what is considered a therapeutic level on the Marshall Protocol (100mg every 48 hours), I had four nights that I slept through my alarm for my middle of the night dosage of Benicar (40mg every 6 hours). This is not good since my body needs the Benicar in regular increments to help my immune system deal with the killing of the bacteria action of the antibiotic. However, I must admit that I relished the undisturbed sleep and enjoyed the benefits of being a bit more rested in the morning. Yet, I know that I need the Benicar because my body was not happy in other ways. Overall, my sleep has been better since following the MP diet, limiting sun exposure, and beginning the medication protocol. To battle the alarm problem, I switched my phone alarm back to a normal setting instead of vibrate. It is more alarming to wake to this, but I do hear it. I have found my cell phone a good alarm device to help with remembering the medications. I have it with me most of the time and I can easily adjust the times if I need to reschedule a dose. Another reminder that many transitions impact our sleeping patterns--either in adjusting to them or recovering from them. I know this is true in my life from the times of great joy in giving birth to those times of sorrow in agonizing over a death. It is of great comfort to know that God gives us rest. He plans times of sleep. He desired our bodies to need and benefit from rest. He Himself rested, yet He never sleeps. He is ever vigilant and watches over me while I sleep (and while I am awake). I remember a man, when I inquired of how he slept in a hotel, said, "The Lord knows just what I need concerning sleep and that is what He provided. " Oh, Lord, give me a heart of gratitude that chooses to wake and say, "Thank You for the sleep I received from Your hand." "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for Thou alone, O Lord, dost make me dwell in safety." Ps. 4:8

Will it help?

Recently I had the honor of helping a friend. Her brother-in-law was killed in Afghanistan, fighting to protect our freedom. http://icaskey.wordpress.com/2010/06/27/the-cost-of-freedom-actually-has-a-costfl/ When I first spoke to my friend, she did not really know what would be helpful so we decided I would just come over for companionship. By the time the hour arrived, it became apparent what needed to be done and I was able to help her complete some tasks while we talked. It was a blessing and I am so grateful she allowed me to serve her. Like I have written before, it is often difficult to put a finger on what will really help someone who is chronically ill. It is hard for the ill person to identify it (usually because their thinking is fuzzy or because EVERYTHING is overwhelming) and it is hard for a friend or family member to know what to do. But this is also true in many areas of life's transitions: death, car accidents, house repairs, births, celebrations, etc . . . However, I wonder if the answer does not come until you just come? This seems to be a pattern in how God works: The sea divides when the Israelites step into it; The words are given when Peter steps up to speak; The widow's needs are met when she pours out her last oil. May I be transformed in my thinking and actions to just go when I am prompted and see what God opens up along the way. Why do I think I have to know His purpose and His plan to be obedient to His promptings? (smile). Our God is so mysterious and wondrous. His ways are truly above my ways. This same friend told me once, when her own husband was overseas serving our country, and she was nine months pregnant, a friend said, "I will either come to watch your kids or come to clean your toilets. I am going to come, you just have to decide what to have me do." This is service, this is friendship, this is modeling Christ. Christ served those who loved Him and those who hated Him. He did not wait for us to come to Him or even ask Him to come, but He pursued, served, and died for us. His purpose was to glorify the Father and to be obedient to the Father's will. Oh, Lord, grant me the steadfastness to follow this precious example of my Lord. May my hands and heart be ready to move at Your prompting.

God's Simple Preparations, Part 2

Over a year ago I met a woman who was going through some very difficult times physically and had a genetic condition that her children also had. Through this, she had become an expert on the best people in the nation to deal with these conditions. She gave me her name and phone number (scratched on a piece of paper, long since discarded). Last month a friend mentioned the results of her daughter's MRI following a series of scary symptoms. God brought to mind the conversation I had the year before and the NAME of the woman who had shared about this very same condition. To understand the gravity of this recall, you must know that my chronic illness causes me to forget very easily such details, but God had grafted this name on my mind for such a time. My friend was able to contact her and they had a very long discussion and, through this contact, they received information to help alleviate some of the symptoms and a direction for resolution. To God be the glory for placing us in position to help one another through "chance" encounters and giving us recall when it is needed. Truly, He prepares the way before us.

God's Simple Preparations

God reminds me of how He prepared me for the steps of my life. Years ago my sister gave me a colorful scarf from France. As I wore this, other people noticed it and I received many other scarves--a great variety in style, material, and colors. I have four from other countries, warm handmade scarves, subtle colors, lively accents, long and short lengths. Each is special as they are all gifts from special people. At one point, someone mentioned that these wardrobe accessories had become a signature of mine. What I failed to realize at the moment was that God was preparing me for my present wardrobe. On the Marshall Protocol, to reduce the effect of sunlight on my worn out immune system, I need to wear dark and long clothing year round. Long, black clothing looks rather odd in the heat of the summer. Yet, all I have to do is add a colorful scarf and the effect can become a cheery outfit. I can dress up or make a casual impact depending on which scarf I wear. Every day I am reminded of friends, places, or times in my life as I put on these accessories. But even more, as I walk through this challenge of living even more differently, I am reminded of my God's caring hand to prepare my wardrobe. Not only will He dress me in His glorious gown in the eternity but He is mindful of my needs/desires even before I have a need or desire for them. Thank You, Lord for the simple preparations You have placed to allow us to walk through whatever path You have chosen for us. P.S. Thanks to those of you who have contributed to my scarf wardrobe. Not sure if I really need anymore but I do need a good way to hang them in my closet. Hey, globe-trotting sis, I will take another one from a land afar!

Embarrassment

Yesterday one of the results of my fatigue was exposed. For the length of our parenting, I almost daily inspected our children's rooms to make sure they were not harboring unique science experiments or nuclear devices--and that you could walk into the room without feeling you were in a Boot Camp obstacle course. Though I do not have perfectionist standards about bedroom tidiness, I did want the rooms pick-upped and the beds made. I think this is especially helpful to those who homeschool and also to my children's future spouses. However, since fatigue is my almost constant companion these past 18 months, my inspections are less frequent, especially since getting our master-bed straightened has not been a high priority. So leads to my point of embarrassment yesterday. Four men from church were helping us move out of our basement because of some upcoming construction/repair work. They tackled one of our son's rooms and discovered many corners where items had been stuffed. These corners reminded me of Mary Poppin's carpet bag that kept producing things. Unfortunately, we did not have Mary Poppin's snapping capabilities. The men were good humored about the situation, but I was embarrassed. Since then, God has been reminding me very gently that He is not done with any of us, yet. Each of us are learning. My husband is very good at reminding me that though we try to be very proactive in our children's lives, there are many things others will teach them in the future. We do not need to do it all. Then I remembered some of our older children who applied our cleaning standards to their own homes--once they set up their own homes. I still chuckle when they correct one of their siblings a piece of clothing they left out. Mostly, I am reminded that God does not ignore the garbage in my life. He knows where I tuck it and He will expose it at just the right time. This year one of the ways I committed myself to know God better and enjoy Him forever is to be more diligent of asking God to expose my sin to me and that I would be quick to confess it. Somehow, in comparison, the mess in my son's closet does not look quite so bad or embarrassing. (But he still has to clean it up!) Please Lord, forgive me for being embarrassed over something temporal when I have failed to be embarrassed over something that damages my relationship with you. Thanks for exposing my garbage and covering it with Your grace. Amen.

Marshall Protocol

In trying to resolve my chronic illness, I am going to be using the Marshall Protocol. It will be a life changing experience, I am sure. It is presently in a study stage but its purpose is to get to the underlying issues of several illnesses and to get your own immune system to work against the foes (bacteria) within your body. That is to put the concept quite simply. To apply this protocol, I will need to eat certain foods and dress in certain ways for probably several years. God is giving me another opportunity for a transition in my life. If I can use this experience to consider this from a Kingdom perspective, it will help me. First, I must be grateful for what I can eat (and not begrudge what I cannot eat or all the labels I need to read in the store). Secondly, I can reflect on the truth that my most formidable foe is within me: just as this bacteria is causing havoc with my body, my sin causes havoc with my spirit--I must deal with the root cause. Thirdly, the changes I want to have made inside, need to be practiced on the outside for the change to take place. Fourth, I may look a bit odd to others who don't understand, but I have to not be concerned about appearances. I am also learning about tricky bacteria: They hide, change forms, and even trick my body to think they are normal parts of me! That is what I do with sin if I let it harbor: I hide it, I call it something more acceptable, or I say it is just the way I am. Bottom line--this sin is not a natural part of my life now that I am a believer and belong to the King. Therefore, I have to not treat it as such and be just as radical as the Marshall Protocol in getting rid of it. I also need to be prepared for the battle. In the Marshall Protocol, I have been warned that I will have times when I feel worse than I do presently. That is because when bacteria dies, it releases poisons which make us feel lousy. So, even though this battle is painful and comfortable, that pain and discomfort actually means it is working. Hmmm, as I yank out the sin in my heart, it will not be comfortable, Satan will protest, and my heart will want to give up, but through Christ, I can be steadfast and call upon His gracious love to battle for me. One final contrast/comparison: Though I am not assured of physical healing using the Marshall Protocol, I am assured of victory in Christ in dealing with sin. "If I confess my sin, He is faithful and just to forgive my sin and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness."Praise Him!

Thoughts on a Rough Morning

Blessed Lord, teach me to keep the perspective that this is only a short period of time whether You choose to heal me now or in heaven. Just as the way I awaken does not determine how I will feel the rest of the day; or how hard the morning is doesn't mean that is what the afternoon or tomorrow will hold--so my life now is a "blink" in the face of eternity.

Understanding Chronic Illness

The Lord, in His wisdom, brought a chronic illness into my life. In October 2008, I went from an energetic, healthy person, to someone often in pain, experiencing shortness of breath, fatigue, difficulty standing, unsure of what my health would be on any given day, and way too many doctor appointments and examinations. First off, I would like to say to all of my friends and acquaintances with a chronic illness, that I did not understand. I did not understand the battle you dealt with each moment not to be self-centered. I did not understand the brain fog that causes reading and retaining a major issue. I did not understand the weariness of the illness makes prayer and Bible reading a necessary lifeline but one that so easily slips from the fingers. I did not understand, especially when you seemed so healthy by appearances, the weight of one more request placed upon you. I would try to be sympathetic but I did not understand. I thank you for living before me the gracious life of depending on God and being transformed into His image. Your example encourages me to stay the course. One of the difficulties of my chronic illness is the lack of a definitive diagnosis. We can slap a label on it but test results are inconclusive and rarely help. This is something I need to rest in God's wisdom over my own. It is not an easy task especially in relating your difficulties to others. How do we really explain? With heart disease, cancer, and E. Coli infections we grasp the gravity of the situation and can identity at least a bit better than the multitude of chronic illnesses with their varying symptoms. Without listing my hundred symptoms, is there a way for you to understand why I cannot do what you ask (even though it seems a little thing)? We may appear healthy on the outside and yet the illness ravages our bodies and minds. Do not be fooled. This is true for all of us and to a more deadly degree: We look healthy on the outside but we are ravaged by sin within and there is only One Who can save us. It is a bit of a tightrope act, I am discovering, because though I need understanding about my illness, I do not want to be DEFINED BY MY ILLNESS. I long to converse about other things and especially how God may be most magnified by my and your present circumstances. I find myself less willing to discuss trivial topics. It is not worth the effort. But, I will also say that chronic illness heightens one's sensitivity to the irritants of life. They are more irritating! And they expose my sin even more. So, God has widened my understanding of chronic illness--the slow pressure that can change the surface of a rock. When my brain is not foggy, I consider those who have walked this path before me and I am encouraged by their pursuit of godliness. I am challenged to see people differently than I had before. My sin, especially selfishness, is more evident. The urgency of the gospel is increasing in my heart. The necessity of a strong, caring, and gentle church body is a must for the chronically ill person--friends and family who go beyond the "How are you?" and serve without being asked (because sometimes we do not know what to ask for) and who direct our conversation towards God and His faithfulness in transforming the rocks into His image.